


if nothing's true

by thetruthmayvary



Series: if i lose myself, will i find it? [3]
Category: One Direction (Band), Radio 1 RPF
Genre: Drabble, M/M, Schizophrenia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-02-06
Updated: 2013-02-06
Packaged: 2017-11-28 10:29:19
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 948
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/673381
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thetruthmayvary/pseuds/thetruthmayvary
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Nick's remembering.</p>
            </blockquote>





	if nothing's true

The doctors keep their promise and Nick's released on Christmas Eve. It doesn't do him much good, though, because it ends up being the worst Christmas he's ever spent.

Everyone tiptoes around him and Nick hates it.

He thinks they're all torn between trying to make him feel better and trying not to set him off. He'a also pretty sure they're all much closer to succeeding in the latter.

And the worst part is that Nick actually loves Christmas, he always has. It's the day you can feel like a child and act like a child and no one's going to judge you for it. The day when making people happy is easy and making yourself believe some kind of magic exists maybe even easier.

No, actually, _that's_ not the worst part.

The worst part is that he was supposed to spend this one with Harry.

They were supposed to decorate their tree and make gingerbread biscuits and curl up under the blanket with their Christmas cups of tea and listen to their Christmas playlist and watch the same Christmas movies they show on TV every year and it was supposed to be perfect.

But he can't have any of that, because he can't see Harry. Or hear or feel him.

He remembers how the doctor said that the mere fact that once he could not only hear or see, but feel and smell him is very unusual. Auditory hallucinations are the most common, followed by visual ones, but olfactory, gustatory and tactile ones are much rarer.

All of them appearing together is, as the doctor's put it, remarkable.

There was a smile on the doctor's face as he said it, but it was quickly erased, probably because he figured out how unprofessional it was to smile at the potent of his patient's symptoms.

He did, however, ask of him to describe how it felt through each of his senses. It was painful, but Nick still did it. It's painful to remember all of it now, but he's still remembering.

He's just fucked up like that.

The picture always came with the voice. Harry's gorgeous face was always there when his deep voice would speak to him. And he was always kind and funny, and he respected his wishes, and it was never like it sometimes was with Ailey. She would talk to him even when she wasn't there, and give him advice that sometimes didn't even seem much like advice for their lack of options.

Harry cared. He was sweet and awkward and charming and intelligent but still sometimes dumb, and for those exact reason probably more real than any of the others.

The smell.

It was probably what fooled him the most.

Harry smelled like grapefruit and new books and apples and vanilla all mixed up in harmony that soon became the smell Nick began to associate only with him and the smell that he thinks he can still smell at nights, right before he starts screaming in his pillow.

How his mind could came up with this smell when he's pretty sure he's never smelt it before he met Harry is still a riddle to him.

The taste.

There were parts of this story he had to censor a bit for his psychiatrists but he still told him about the kisses and about his tongue trailing down Harry's neck and how Harry maybe didn't even taste anything special.

It might have been just the regular taste of skin and sweat, but mixed with his smell and the sensation that came with it, it became what it was. Mesmerizing.

The touch.

Nick wasn't sure how to describe this particular sense. So he told the psychiatrist a story.

A story, or better yet a scene, that he replays in his head over and over again, because if he can't go back to that moment for real, at least he can pretend that he can.

Luckily (or not) pretending is obviously something he's good at.

It happened back in May when everything still seemed perfect.

They went for a walk because they used to spend so much time locked up at Nick's that they were both hungry for some fresh air.

At one moment Harry reached for his hand and intertwined their fingers together. It was as simple and innocent as that, but Nick wasn't used to holding hands, especially not in public.  

But Harry's touch was soothing and warm and even though Nick gave him a questioning look, Harry just smiled reassuringly and Nick realized that he was more than okay with it.

And at that moment Nick didn't feel like anything was wrong with him. He was sometimes called cold and aloof and inappropriate, and even though he never quite felt that way, he grew to accept being viewed like that.

Harry never treated him like he was anything but normal and lovely. He held his hand like Nick was simply a guy he was in love with. Nothing else and nothing worse.

Harry could make him feel more alive and happy by his touch alone that others can with thousands of pronounced words.

And now Nick's expected not to miss him.

Not to flush all of the pills that make Harry disappear.

He's expected to continue his life like nothing has ever happened, like he hasn't found his soul mate only to discover that he doesn't exist.

And as terrible and scary as it's going to be, he's going to have to try and do it. Because the pain he can endure has reached it's maximum level, and gaining Harry back just to lose him once more would be more than he could possibly survive.


End file.
